Wednesday 15 June 2016

I'm due for an accident

I have been waiting for a plumber to call round for a week now, and he's not even Polish. I wish I could find a Polish one, but they will become even scarcer if we vote OUT, especially here in Bath, where we consider it a matter of honour to pay three times as much for anything as the rest of England.

Lidl have fought Waitrose for years for the right to open a shop here, but when they were finally granted the privilege, they were sited out on an industrial wasteland, just beneath Twerton, where all poor people and students live.

My client's estate has gone from being run by one manager to being run by ten managers, and now to being run by one person who runs her own Health and Safety, risk-reduction company.

On the day or so she is actually on site, she wanders around with a clip-board, looking for anyone who may be contravening the rules which she has made up over the last few months.

Ironically, this place became a death-trap on paper, with one of the highest accident rates per capita in England, shortly after she got the job. Alarm bells rang, and the other managers looked into how this could possibly have come about, especially since she had just been employed to prevent accidents.

It turned out that she had insisted that very single, little mishap - banging your elbow on the corner of the wall through sheer clumsiness, etc. - should be written down in an accident report book, no matter how trivial.

As soon as the system reverted to sensible accident reporting, the place miraculously became as safe as any other similar site in the country. Mystery solved.

I am not allowed to work off ladders, even if the area is only 12 inches out of my reach. I have to work off proper scaffolding which has been erected by trained operatives, and if the scaffold has to be moved 12 inches to a different position, the same operatives have to move it for me.

Shortly I will have to do something which is 12 inches out of my natural reach, but if I am forced to use scaffold it will block off a road for about three days, so I suggested (to a different manager) that I just bring a beer-crate along and stand on that.

"We have hop-ups just for that purpose," he told me. 'Hop-ups' are glorified beer-crates.

I asked if I would have to go on a training course to use one, and he said - quite seriously - that I would have to be instructed as to the correct way to mount one.

I am about to be told how to stand on a beer-crate by a man who is 20 years younger than me.


23 comments:

  1. Is there any chance that this instruction might be filmed so that others might benefit. It might become an award-winning training film.

    Silly situation, isn't it. I can empathize.

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  2. Will there be a multi choice exam that you will have to 'pass' before you can get on with the job?

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    Replies
    1. 'Will you A: Deliberately break your leg? or B: Try very hard NOT to break your leg?'

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  3. Replies
    1. Definitely. I still have all the COSHH forms to fill out.

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  4. I am all for people applying brain before they short circuit.

    Fact is, Tom, the world of health and safety has gone mad. I drew the line when many a year ago my son's primary school attempted to stop children from running round the playground during break time. I ask you. How much damage can a scraped knee do compared to being constantly supervised and stilted in your every movement? Ridiculous.

    Good luck up the ladder; whatever you do, don't walk underneath one,
    U

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    Replies
    1. These H&S rules - how many stem from the E.U.?

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  5. " I'm due for an accident"

    .......it could be arranged.......

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  6. I had to google some pictures of 'hop-ups'. I do declare that things look dangerous. You better wear a helmet and a safety harness and, I hope that somebody will be on standby to give you support while you are way up there. A good way to provide support is for someone to grab your bum from below. Think about it.

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  7. First drink all the beer in the crate. Then when you fall off you won't feel it, nor will you care about the flippin' report to complete.

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    Replies
    1. I will have to write a COSHH report about beer before I can have it on site.

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  8. Having knocked-up all types of buildings, and installed truck-loads of stone work, I can see the advantage of scaffolding (which I never had). As for the beer crate, just make sure it's not from some girly brewery that makes foreign lagers.

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    Replies
    1. Don't forget that the Belgians make beer which is stronger than a lot of French wines.

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  9. When I was the Claims and Risks Manager at the local docks I had to pay out on a claim from a guy who had slipped from a nine rung ladder. His solicitor asked for proof that we had trained him in how to climb a ladder, which we didn't have - how many ways are there to climb a ladder?

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    Replies
    1. You would be surprised. I was forced to descend a ladder with no hands once. A 100 lb iron gutter fell off its mounting and I had to catch it before it swept me off the rungs.

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  10. I've know 'operatives' that have had to have certification of training in getting in an out of the cab of a lorry.

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    Replies
    1. I know of a builder who does not employ anyone, and he is forbidden by law to smoke in his own truck.

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  11. That does sound like overkill. A contractor I know tells his employees, if they fall off the roof, they are fired before they hit the ground.

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