Wednesday, 4 February 2015

P..p..pick up a Penguin



If you live outside the UK, do you have 'Penquin' biscuits, or have you ever heard of them?

They are simple, chocolate coated things sandwiching some sort of thin filling between two biscuits. You know the sort.

In recent years, they have tried to increase their sales (or just spice up our boring lives a bit) by writing two-part jokes on the fold of the wrappers - the question on the outside and the answer underneath.

The jokes have to have some tenuous connection with either penguins - the animals - or the freezing wastelands of either the South Pole (which they inhabit) or the North Pole (which they don't), and it doesn't really matter which, just so long as it is cold.

I'll give you a few examples:

Q: "What do penguins eat at night?"
A: "Star fish."

Q: "Why do penguins jump up and down when they first meet?"
A: "To break the ice."

Q: "What do penguins sing at birthday parties?"
A: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Q: "How do penguins get to school?"
A: "On b-icicles."

And my favourite to date:
Q: "What is the name of the Emperor penguin?"
A: "Julius Freezer."

You get the idea.

On many occasions, I sit around with colleagues at lunchtime, and someone has brought in some Penguin biscuits for us all. We read out the jokes and everyone else tries to guess the answer. Many happy minutes are spent doing this.

The trouble is that we now think we know all the jokes off by heart, so we switch the order that we read them out, beginning with the answer and waiting for the question, thus:

A: "Because its snow joke."
Q: "Why didn't the penguin laugh?"

I am beginning to believe that the Penguin biscuit joke-writer has either retired, or he/she has been made redundant. Either that or they over-produced the last few batches, optimistically thinking that sales would be higher.

I have two burning ambitions in life. One is to appear as a guest in 'The Archers' - even if it is only to say one word - and the other is to be the joke writer for Penguin biscuits. Too much to ask?

(When searching for the above image, I found a whole list of all Penguin jokes, but I will not read them just incase there is one I have not yet heard. It would spoil my lunch.)


26 comments:

  1. I have been eating Penguin biscuits for years and never seen a joke on the wrapper. Before you say it, perhaps it is because I am from Norfolk and wouldn't recognise a joke even if it hit me in the face.

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    1. You're not supposed to eat the wrapper as well.

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  2. Yes Penguin are also available in Ireland too and they have shrunk in size since I was a lad.

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    1. Like Wagon Wheels? They shrunk in size even when I was a lad, but my hands have got bigger since then.

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  3. Darling Tom,

    We gave not eaten a Penguin biscuit in years but we do recall them being significantly smaller the last time we did try one. They are not our favourite.

    Tunnock's Caramel Wafers hold top position and, as far as we are aware, there are no jokes in those wrappers!

    Guest appearance on The Archers....only a question of time......it has become much more racy of late.

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    1. Do you believe Tunnocks when they say they make - and sell - 93 million of those things a week?

      The Archers is turning into East Enders, and for a good reason...

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  4. Penguins are widely available in Austria. I only know one Penguin joke. I believe it's from Monty Python. It involves a nun.

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    1. I know another penguin joke too, but it needs visual movements and it involves a prostitute.

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  5. Q: What do Penguins eat for breakfast?

    A: Ice-burgers!

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  6. And why not Wagon Wheels or Tunnock's Teacakes? Penguin partisanship is no joke.

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    1. I've done both above. Relax, and think yourself lucky that cup-cakes hadn't come over then.

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    2. Wait - I've just remembered those brown, chocolate things with the foil that zipped as you unwrapped them...

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  7. On reflection the very best of in-between meals nibbles are Martin's Eccles Cakes.

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    1. I do like a good Eccles Cake, but then again I like a good in-between nibble too - Oooh Missus!

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  8. ALL i can say is your ambitions are pretty low key Tom. What about writing a best selling novel, sculpting a masterpiece, fathering a genius - to name but three.

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    1. I have fathered a couple, but I never hoped for a genius, which is just as well. I would die a happy man if I could only shout, "THAT'S RIGHT!" on The Archers.

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  9. I am not particularly crazy about Penguins, the biscuits, and had no idea there were jokes in the wrappers. My son, however, loves them. He likes to use them as straws to use with tea...

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    1. The biscuits, the wrappers, or the flightless birds?

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  10. I'm surprised I haven't heard form John yet, with a caption like, "Shut your eyes, open your mouth."

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  11. Never heard of them, but I did catch the jokes which I rarely get. I don't know why. I don't think I've ever heard a funny joke or gotten the gist. Are The Archer's a cartoon? Never heard of that show either.

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    1. I think I know why you caught the jokes.

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  12. Alas, no Penguin cookies. I remember tea bag tags with snappy sayings: I'm aware I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'd rather be a shot of tequila anyway.
    Then there were Burma-shave signs. Did you have those along rural roads?

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    1. Nope. Never heard of Burma-shave. Also, our rural roads are protected from overt advertising usually, and ever since the Edwardians covered every bit of urban wall with posters for cigarettes or tea etc. most of those are protected now as well.

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