Thursday 29 May 2014

My torrid sojourn in the toilet with a footballer's wife


We had a bit of a name-dropping contest in the pub last night, and I believe I won.

The search for famous people who we have had some tenuous connection with, brought to mind the time a few years ago (everything seems to have been a few years ago) when I made some fancy stone things for a rich and famous footballer. I'll give you a clue: he was born in Leicester.

His gorgeous wife wanted a small, stone hand-basin made for the downstairs bog (stop me if I have already told you this story) and I needed to go to their grand house in the leafy Berkshire suburbs to discuss it with her.

Once there, I was offered a quick sandwich and coffee, then it was down to business. The lavatory under the stairs was so tiny and cramped, that we had to shut ourselves in, and she carried on with the conversation whilst sitting on the actual toilet with me standing six inches away from her and the closed door behind me. Sadly, she didn't use the facilities the whole quarter of an hour we were in there. Now that would have been the clincher to a winning story.

I didn't have to tell my Prince Charles story (again) as everyone backed off to refresh the image of the footballer's wife locked in a toilet with me. I regularly refresh this image myself, in the wee hours when I wake up from reading a book.

Did I tell you about how I won the 'Strangest Thing You Have Ever Eaten' competition?

FOOTNOTE: I was looking at my blog-stats yesterday, and discovered - if Google are to be believed - that about 2000 people a day read this rubbish.

The all-time record for the most hits I have had, is for a post entitled, 'Golden Showers'. I am guessing that of the 18,000 or so people who looked it up just because of the title, about 17,980 switched it off in disappointment, without so much as reading a word - well, maybe about 4 words.

It is going to be interesting to see the effect that this title has on my hit-rate.

19 comments:

  1. My fawning, gushy comment where I offered you a job to install a toilet sink just vanished after I pressed 'publish'. Damn

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    1. No really, it did. And the last one worked so I will carry on ...
      Love your work Tom. I'm envious but not surprised by your stats.

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    2. That's nice, but what about the toilet sink?

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  2. You definitely have the best titles in Bloggerland...

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    1. John Gray often surpasses himself.

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    2. Why thank you thomas...... Praise indeed by the king of the smutty phrase

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  3. I presume people like Stanley Matthews had plain 'wives', rather than 'footballers wives'. I bet he was glad about that!

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    1. I bet he wasn't, especially since he was probably only on about £40 a week.

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  4. I once went for a drink with a Millwall player (it was only a drink but he only played for Millwall). I managed the share portfolio of a Liverpool player but I can't say who he was but he used to call me Rach. I can say it wasn't the only Liverpool player you know ( Suarez).

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    1. Is 'sharing the portfolio' a euphemism I have never heard of?

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  5. Three thing strike me about this post Tom.
    Firstly - as a show stopped of a title, that takes some beating.
    Secondly and thirdly - you managed to get the words 'wee' and 'business' into the piece too - was this accidental or on purpose?

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    1. Well spotted, Weave. Yes, it was deliberate to the extent I scrubbed out 'piss' in favour of 'wee'. Much more genteel in any case.

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    2. Also, the very word 'toilet' is nice and uncouth, which makes up for it.

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    3. I wonder what the Hattat's call the facilities.

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    4. OOPs, wrong apostrophe.

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    5. It's either 'loo' or 'lavatory', I'm sure. I had an extremely upper-class mate once (and still do, just about - he's over 80) and he said you can call a 'lavatory' anything you like, so long as it isn't 'toilet'. personally, I like the ugliness of the word 'toilet', especially when it is used as an insult, like they do in East Enders.

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  6. Gary Lineker? I was born in Leicester!

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    Replies
    1. It wasn't Gary I was in the crapper with - he's too big.

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