Friday 9 May 2014

Fortifies the over forties - the Sanatogen post


A casual and passing reference to my May birthday a couple of posts ago,  caused Jack@ (Jacqueline at Home) to put on her Sherlock hat, do a bit of detective-work and discover not only what my real name is, but also my exact postal address.

I got home last night to find a Jiffy Bag containing a birthday card, and a DVD of a BBC series featuring one-time barmaid of The Bell Inn, Julia Davis, and Rob Brydon - all exquisitely wrapped in decorative paper and indestructible string.

I so wish I could show you the fabulous handwriting on the envelope, but to do so would either mean deleting just about all of it, or giving my full name and address to others who I would not trust with the information. I suppose I need not worry about this too much, because it has become apparent that if anyone really wants to find out who I am and where I live, then a little effort in analysing past posts makes it relatively easy, but I don't want to hand it to axe-murderers on a plate. My life is worth a little more than that, I think.

Let's just say that when I read the envelope, I initially thought that an owl had brought a missive from Hogwarts, albeit about 50 years too late to discover that I am a wizard - 'and not a bad one too, I'll wager'.

Thank you Jacqueline.

This internet malarky has made Dick Barton's life so much easier - no more trawling through stacks of paper files down in the basement of the Town Hall. It can all be done from the comfort safety of your own home, though your own home has been made a little less safe as a consequence. Nothing is free.

We (the Hattatts and me) were only talking about personal information on the net only yesterday, and I made the observation that there is next to nothing about me out there, which is - for the time being - the way I like it.

Occasionally, I type my name into Google to see if I have been entered for any reason, but - as always - I only make a cameo appearance in another stone-carver's website and the photo attached is about 30 years old and of the top of my head. Even the hair-colour is wrong.

If you type Tom Stephenson into a search, there are a couple of professors at the top, followed by a footballer with the same name along with a rather fetching photo of his girlfriend wading through the sea topless, which I have already shown you, then this blog appears about three more entries down. Most people stop at the topless girl picture, I would imagine.

I only know two people who want to hide so badly that they are willing to forgo a bank account just to stay off the electoral roll, and I know that both of them occasionally read this blog.

One of them describes themself as a 'sniper' (studiously avoiding the tag of 'troll') and the other is my brother, who nobody wants to contact anyway, having given up on the thousands of pounds he relieved them of years ago.

The one thing that all of us shrinking-violets in Blogland have in common is our fairly advanced years. A blogger under the age of 40 is a rare thing, I think, and our posts are in stark contrast to the terrifying quantity of gigabytes of personal information put out by the under 40s on Facebook, etc.

If you have something to sell, then fine - advertise it - but can you imagine anyone actually paying for the foul-mouthed insults that I regularly put out from here?

47 comments:

  1. Hello Tom:

    Well, all we can say is that Jackie [of 'Home' fame], who we adore, makes a very much better Sherlock/Holmes/Maigret/Poirot/Miss Marple/Dalgleish/Morse/et al than we do. Having now spent more hours than you can possibly imagine devoted to tracking you down, we remain as ignorant of your real identity, let alone address, post code, telephone number, NHS number, bank account details [now they could be useful], passport and driving licence as we did at the beginning. Where are we going wrong?!!

    But how really kind and generous of J to have sent the parcel to you and we can so readily imagine how beautifully presented everything will have been.

    Now, could you not just give us the tiniest of clues or must we knock on every door in Bath?!!

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    1. I began by being flattered at how much time you have spent in seeking me out, then I got to the bank account reference. I will happily give you my bank details, because once you have seen the shocking state of affairs therein, you will probably feel so sorry for me that you would make a modest deposit in my name.

      Jack@ merely remembered me selling something on a certain online auction site, and took advantage of the fact that all business sellers are compelled to put up all of their personal details in order to get their Paypal account unfrozen. She has assured me that she is not a stalker, but time will tell. I can think of far worse stalkers to have in any event.

      As far as other clues go, I have taken so many photos from the window of our compact but adorable city apartment, that all anyone needs do is look up at the architecture, then turn around as soon as something looks familiar.

      I have not put up a photo of the Rottweiler chained-up behind the door though...

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    2. Ah, a clue at last!! And we shall not now descend on Bath without quantities of poisoned steak to feed through the letterbox.

      Now, Tom, please do advise us when you are next disposing of an item on a certain online auction site. We want to buy!!!

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    3. Let's hope the dog gets to it before I do - I'll eat anything that drops through the letterbox. Goose eggs from Wales was the last thing.

      I see you two as Robert Kime style collectors. He is a bit out of my league.

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    4. Actually, that should be the other way round - I am out of his league - Prince Charles has not, as yet, asked me to furnish any of his apartments.

      I once did some work for Robert Kime, and I kept him waiting for so long, that he had a complete screaming-fit with me over the phone. I screamed back - which is not a good thing to do with the most influential antique-dealer in Britain. I haven't heard from him since.

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  2. Hahaha. Better the owl of Hogwart than OWL of Winnie-the-Pooh. Though I take her wonderful text and send it as a virtual birthday card to you, dear Tom:

    HIPY PAPY BTHUTHDTH THUTHDA BTHUTHDY:

    Hope it reaches you in time - and when I see you in person, I'll add a balloon and a Useful Pot for you (something warns me to write 'honeypot' - your language is so full of snares and meanings).

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    1. Did you mean: 'WOL'?

      Thank you for those very endearing greetings, Britta. (To everyone else - Britta and I have met in real life, and intend doing so again soon).

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    2. Oooh, I say! The 'honeypot' reference has just dawned on this bear of little brain.

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    3. (Though, on second thought: Useful Pot does sounds very strange too - let's agree on just "pot" - very sanatogen, somebody told me)

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    4. We use the word 'box' for that here. That may come in useful in the future.

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    5. Oh - I forgot the birthday cake!
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U104DXEYHbA

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    6. PS: And you are sure about "box"? I never would call box weed.

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    7. We do that every Saturday night.

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    8. Oh, sorry - I thought you were talking about ladies private parts.

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    9. You might have been on the right track, but then I drifted away... purple haze all in my brain... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjwWjx7Cw8I

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    10. Thought I might nebulize my maidenly blush into purple haze, cause I don't use a pen-name but my own, writing all by myself "under the name of Sanders" - er - Hill.

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  3. Ha ha Tom …… you can run but you can't hide !! Actually, there wasn't any detective work involved ….. I came across it by chance ages ago.
    Hope that you enjoy watching Julia and Rob …… it's VERY dark but I found it really funny. Much love for a happy birthday on Sunday XXXX

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    1. Bloody hell - you even know the exact day! As for coming across something on eBay 'by chance', either you have the same taste in antiques as I do, or you spend 20 hours a day trawling through everything. X

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    2. No, none of those things ……. you were selling that little bust of Napoleon ? which you told us all about and, I quite liked it so went and had a look at it…. that's all. XXXX

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    3. "The Adventure of the Six Napoleons" - a Sherlock short story - comes to mind.

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    4. How many Napoleons were there?

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    5. Six! (it's about six plaster busts of Napoleon)

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    6. One of which contains something which everyone else wants?

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    7. Ah yes, I begin to remember........

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  4. Any further good wishes, cards, gifts, money orders, etc to.....

    Mr T Stephenson
    The Bell Inn
    103 Walcot St
    Bath BA15BW UK.

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    1. Now there is someone who is already benefitting from that address - I wish I had made a wanking-gesture behind Nigel Farage's back. He has over £900 in the kitty as of yesterday.

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  5. Poor Nigel, he finds himself in a genuine Catch 22 situation. He needs the publicity to attract support, but every time he gets the publicity his supporters run like rabbits.

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  6. Your use of a 'stage name' has always baffled me. I understand the desire to keep all the weirdos at arms length (Well, a little further away would actually be even better.), but then again you blog so freely about where you live and even show photos taken out of the windows of your compact but adorable city apartment. I have only ever spent one afternoon in Bath, but with the help of Google maps I stood in your street and glanced up at you window with the miracle plant within minutes. I felt so smart at having found it so fast. And then you leave breadcrumbs the size of bolders for any 'Haensel and Gretel' to follow. Being German, and therefore a Gretel, I followed the crumbs and I had found your real name on the mentioned stone carver's website and through the website of your hat maker. It's a small world on the www. BTW, my name is really Iris, but I am not googleworthy. Not a thing comes up. No claim to any fame, here.

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    1. Everything you did to find me could not have been done by a cheap computer - yet. Anyway, I am pissed off with you for not contacting me when in Bath.

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    2. My 'stage name' is - or started out as - my pen name. I have written thousands of words using it, but not as many thousands as I have clocked-up here.

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    3. I was in Bath that one time long before I ever came across your blog. I would have been much too shy anyway to look you up in person. I'm not a brave one and not nearly as confident as Britta.

      And I really did just follow your story about your hat maker. You said that she has a musician boyfriend who has the same last name as you. I then simply looked on the hat makers blog or website and she mentioned an event at her establishment. Her boyfriend provided the entertainment at this event and there I had your name. It was really a kind of 'hot diggity dog' moment. It's been so long ago, but I guess I googled stone carvers of Bath, as well, and came across the making of the lyre. Really good job by the way! It must be amazing to look up at an old building, see the details and say: "YUP, I did that!"

      I really just like to google the heck out of things and, once started, one thing leads to another.

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    4. Hmm. You are more of a detective than Jack@, but not as generous.

      Generous comments though. Every time we walk past the Theatre Royal, I tell H.I. that some of my work is up there - for the 300th time.

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  7. All the best people have birthdays in May.

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    1. You cannot get truer than that. Happy Birthday.

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    2. Hach, soooo true! Mine is on May 25. So very happy Birthday, Tom.

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    3. Thank you, you virtual stalker, you.

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  8. This is too funny. Tom, are you seeing there is no such thing as anonymity when you once put yourself out there. I too found you by accident when searching for a little glass bottle myself. Realizing it was you, I looked up at your window, google-y, as it were. Not in, of course, the little blue eye doesn't reach the sky.
    I think everyone who knows your address should send you a birthday card. I'll be the first. No, the second. We have wonderful new international stamps here; you'll like it.

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    1. Oh no - I have broken another golden rule - if you want to stay secret, go public.

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    2. I am not trying to hide from anyone, just machines which can process material at a speed of terabytes per second, that's all.

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  9. Happy Birthday Tom... Hope you have a good one.

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  10. and forgot, I hope the wedding goes well!

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  11. I thought H.I.'s daughter was getting married or did I get the complete wrong end of the stick... no doubt I am confused

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    1. She was married exactly one year ago from my last birthday. The same day, in fact.

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