Thursday, 17 April 2014

Boy's Own


All's well that ends well (more Shakespeare) and I couldn't let you darlings go to bed tonight without letting you know I am safe and still - almost - in one piece.

I waited for my friend to leave his well-equipped metal workshop to take the dog for a walk, then I put it in a vice and exerted some mighty pressure on the stubborn thread, and it opened.

It is empty, but I only know that now. My stupid fucking camera has focussed on the car roof reflection rather than the fucking bomb, but you can see how empty it is.

So I took it into Waitrose tonight, and placed it on the scales when checking myself out on the self-service scanner. The alarm went off because they thought I was trying to steal a pound and a quarter of whatever, and a supervisor came over to check my bag.

"It's ok," I said, "It's a hand-grenade."

She just smiled and walked away, being too young to know that I was telling the horrifying truth.

When I was in my workshop looking for tools, I found this Arsenal dart.  I have no idea how it got there.


35 comments:

  1. I am sure that H.I is relieved { or, maybe she was totally unaware of GenadeGate } and Rachel will now love you forever. XXXX

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    1. I'm trying to sort out the truth from the bollocks in what you say, Jack@, and I have now given up.

      If I tell H.I. that I might not come home due to a WW2 accident at work, she just rolls her eyes as normal. ONE DAY!!!!!!!

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    2. What on earth are you talking about …… what I have said is very straight forward. The love of your life must be very happy that you haven't blown yourself up and Rachel will love you forever as you have an Arsenal dart in your workshop.
      What's so difficult to understand about that ? XXXX

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    3. I do realise that it's all probably engineered for Rachel's benefit but, I didn't realise that my comment was so difficult to understand.
      You'll probably tell me to fuck off next but, I'm used to it !! XXXX

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    4. Oh, I see, and oh, not at all. It was the word 'GenadeGate' which made me give up. I think that even if your spell-checker didn't notice the missing r, it might still have picked up on it.

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    5. Oh, sorry about that ….. slip of the finger.
      Hope that you now understand my comment and, we are all so happy that you are still in one piece. XXXX

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  2. Oh well, I had just written your epitaph.
    Here lies a curious man who loved stone OR
    Here lies a stoner who loved curios.

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    1. My stoner days are now over, but the after-effects live on, curiously enough.

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  3. Granades in waitrose?
    Asia would be more appropriate

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    1. I have walked through the Bath Waitrose with shotguns over my shoulder before now, and nobody has turned a hair. Maybe they were just scared.

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    2. So many spelling mistakes it has taken me until now to work out what John is saying.

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    3. I fucking hate my ipad..... Automatic spell check.....

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    4. ASDA ADSA ADSA.... THERE!

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    5. And when you do work it out, you wonder why he bothered.

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    6. Actually, 'Asia' was quite appropriate.

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    7. Case of Bollinger for me, please.

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    8. I'll get you one bottle for the wedding

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    9. (Stephenson squeals in delight)

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    10. I thought John was having an anti-Asians day.

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  4. I am surprised you didn't get arrested in Waitrose. I'm glad Jacqueline understands about the Arsenal dart because I can't say I do.

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    1. I've just remembered where the dart came from. My erstwhile glamorous assistant is also football crazy, and also an Arsenal fan - for some reason.

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    2. I'm disappointed with this explanation.

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    3. So am I. That's the trouble with telling the truth.

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  5. Well, I am also glad you didn't blow something off your body.

    Are you going to cast it?

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  6. I just love reading these comments, really I do.

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    1. So do I, Sue. They're always so much better than the main text.

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  7. Hello Tom:

    The relief! We shall sleep easy in our beds from now on.

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