Sunday, 6 April 2014

All Aboard


Elegance seems to have chosen the wrong time of year to sit around Bondi Beach, watching tanned hunks mince up and down the flotsam line. As I took delight in reminding her, it's Spring here right now and my sap is rising. Today I plant the Night-Scented Stock in the back garden of our compact but adorable city apartment. Oh all right then, the window box.

Talking of Australian hunks, you cannot help but be aware of the film 'Noah' being foisted onto the public here right now, what with all the huge posters of Russell Crowe standing in the pouring rain (like all the other hunks at Bondi at the moment) and looking like every other bloody character he has portrayed since - for some inexplicable reason - he has become top of the pops in Hollywood.

The only difference is that he is carrying an axe rather than the usual short-sword, but the way he handles it suggests that he is about to use it to decapitate a British film critic rather than do a spot of light carpentry. I bet there were a load of confused cinema-goers who left the premier wondering why Noah had an Australian accent too. His mastery of regional accents is second only in proficiency to the great Dick Van Dyke. Ok, I know we don't know what a B.C. Hebrew accent sounded like before modern English was invented, and I know that if he attempted one he would probably sound like Groucho Marx, but even so... I wonder how he feels about being the biggest British gay icon since Dusty Springfield?

I have lost interest in the career of Emma Watson ever since she graduated from Hogwarts and started having children of her own, so I won't be going to the pictures to see her either. I feel the same way about Daniel Radcliffe too, ever since he got his kit off on stage and stood next to a horse. He's got such a strange, physiological shape and texture, so unlike Russell Crowe's finely-honed flab.

Emma Watson did post up a funny tweet halfway through filming 'Noah' though, wondering if anyone else found it ironic that the shooting had to be postponed due to torrential rain. I wonder what the difference between rain that comes out of the end of a fire-hose and the sort which comes from the clouds is?

Actually, I do know the difference. Real rain hardly shows up on camera, so a milky dye has to be mixed with the water to catch the artificial light. In 'Singing In The Rain', they used real milk during a hot, Hollywood Summer, and the actors went home every night stinking of rancid cheese. That's true. It must be, I've already told you that before at least once.

When I read that article about Dr Irving Finkel (who translated the blue-print for the real Ark) spending a day doing almost everything that any normal person would spend his day on, I had not realised that it must have been timed for the release of 'Noah', but - as one of you pointed out - Dr Finkel looks a lot more like the Noah of popular imagination than Russell bloody Crowe. I bet he can act a lot better than him as well. He can probably sing a lot better than him too - and he is probably not a violent, monosyllabic bore that charges more for one appearance than Finkel could ever hope to earn in a lifetime of truly valuable work.

I always seem to be slagging off Australians in these posts, but I really am not prejudiced against any of them, other than the ones already slagged-off. I admire most of them (Ms Toa), it's just that us Brits are not allowed to be prejudiced against Americans these days and we have to moan about someone in an irritatingly superior way - it's what they teach us at Eton.

46 comments:

  1. Forgiven. I'm an innocent anyway, given I never vouched for Crow or our current Prime Minister.

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. I've just heard that my Bath mates who left for Australia a year or two ago are coming back for a visit in May. She is an absolute master at accents, and picks up whosever she is talking to at any time, even though she is Scottish. She ought to give Russell bloody Crowe a few lessons.

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  2. Hello Tom:

    At the cinema last night we watched a trailer, in Hungarian , for a new film which translated as, we think, 'The Last Days of Christ' or something similar. As we shall avoid 'Noah', so we advise against this if showing in a Bath cinema somewhere near you!!

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    1. It wasn't 'The Last Temptation of Christ', was it? That one's quite old, and caused a stir because of some steamy scenes between the main man and Mrs Magdelan, didn't it?

      Reminds me of the elderly woman who asked for a 'cross' in a jewellers when she meant, 'crucifix'. She ended up saying, "I just want one with the little man on it."

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  3. I've just noticed this is my 1700th post. Think of the money I could have earned if I had spent all that time working on a real job. What a waste.

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  4. I saw Dr Finkel on the Sunday cooking show with those 2 men. I only ever remember one is called simon rimmer . Cant be bothered to google it.) he had a replica Babylonian tablet that gave the measurements of the Ark and that it was made of Rope and was a corical.

    I even commented to OH, jeez he would make an excellent Grandfather. He explained things so well and I think I would learn a lot from him. I likes brainy people, I does.... lol

    PS I am hoping to see Noah at the pictures.

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    1. Simon Rimmer sounds like a fan of Crowe's. I did hear a statistic that the rope used for the Ark could have stretched between London and Edinburgh, but I find that hard to credit. If Finkel says it's true, then it must be. If it was made of rope, why is Russell bloody Crowe wielding an axe in the poster? DERR!

      If you likes clever people, then you'll likes Crowe. (I finds that hard to credit too).

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  5. Do I detect just a slightly envious view of mens' bodies here somewhere?

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    1. Have you seen Russell bloody Crowe's body lately? It looks as though he trained for the part by sitting on a sofa and drinking beer.

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  6. hmm it wont let me reply? so a new comment.

    Lots of religious people are very upset about this new Noah film, it makes it more of something I want to see just because of that.

    And the Babylonian text he refers to apparently date to 2000 years before the old testament. and is the story that Noahs ark is based on. word of mouth handed down and then changed to make people be good in case God smited them. that was the gist of it I think. if it is in the library I might borrow his book.

    I love all things like that, the Egyptians etc. All very fascinating to me. Maybe not to others but I find it interesting.

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    1. Who gives a fuck about what 'religious' people think?

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    2. Sorry - that wasn't meant to be as harsh as it sounded! If someone wants to get Hermione all wet and abuse her, then that's fine by me.

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  7. Slag on us all you want - I do.

    Been wondering recently why the Australian and the American/Canadian accents are so different (I heard it was basically because of Germanic nationality and Native American influences). But then again, I wonder about a lot of stupid things.

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    1. Easy - English/Australian = London convicts.

      To tell the difference between a US and Canadian accent, listen to the word 'out'. If it sounds like 'oat', then they're Canadian. If it has a French accent, then they're Canadian too. If it sounds like a mix between the two, then they're probably Russell Crowe.

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    2. It's all about the, err, about.

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  8. I have just wasted 2 hours of my very interesting life

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    1. Not on this blog, I'll wager.

      Now let me guess...

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    2. Only on candlestick blog entries

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    3. It was me in the white car. Sorry.

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    4. I thought it might be....it stopped briefly at the off license

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  9. I will stick to my memory of Noah's ark and the nuns and felt stick-on animals going in two by two. That will do for me.

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  10. I bet Stephenson went to see it today.

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    1. Bet he's pissed at the kitchn table ….

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    2. He's pissed at the kitchen table ….. he'll wake up soon and reply to us in no uncertain terms…..

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    3. I have been cooking dinner at my step-daughter's house, to celebrate the 20th birthday of my step grand daughter.

      You win John. What was the forfeit? I seem to remember that you are going to have to shag both Rachel AND Jack@. Close your eyes and think of Wales.

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    4. Poor John. I don't know what the forfeit was about but you don't have to do it.

      Are you the only person who can cook in your family Stephenson?

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    5. Just me and Step Daughter. When I first moved in with the recently divorced H.I., she was living on porridge and losing weight rapidly. I started to fatten her up, and it became my duty to the extent that she hasn't cooked since.

      I cheated last night, because I let S.D. take over just after I had put the meat in the oven, but at least I paid for it.

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    6. I keep trying to respond to your posts about greatest fears, etc., but then I find they don't exists any longer.

      I am unimpressed.

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    7. Oops - I turned a bit pirate then, I meant 'exist' without an s.

      "Pirates always talks in the present tense!"

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    8. What on earth are you talking about?

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    9. What do you think I'm talking about? You have put up three posts tonight which you have taken down immediately, that's what I'm talking about.

      John Gray of Trelawnyd, Mid to North Wales (look it up), is worried about you and thinks you may have had too much red wine, that's all.

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    10. Oh that was nothing. I just got in a muddle (a) deciding what to write about and (b) publishing went ahead beyond my control and (c) I haven't had much to drink and finally (d) have you 2 been talking about me?

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    11. No more than we normally do.

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  11. Bugger, I didn't know you couldn't be prejudiced against Americans. I have Cameron Diaz on my hit list! Still love Russell Crowe.

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    1. Give it time, Jan. One of us will start a war again soon, then it will be ok again.

      I think that war should be Canada versus Australia. May the best man win.

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    2. In Rugby strip please?

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  12. Ever since I witnessed Tin Tin speaking with an American accent, such things no longer shock.

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    1. At least Tin Tin was Belgian. Winnie the Pooh was the one which most upset me.

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